Stephen King's The Clown's Pocket 1995 **
Gregory Peck plays Atticus Smart an ageing circus owner down on his luck.  On the verge of bankruptcy Smart is offered a deal by Satan himself (Leonard Nimmoy).  In exchange for his soul, he is offered the cream of Hell's circus performers.  Skeletal acrobats, bearded zombies, ephereal elephants and creepy clowns.  Smart agrees and the devil warns him that he can never look inside the clowns pocket or it will all go pear shaped.  The circus makes an absolute fortune but Smart is driven mad by his curiosity about the contents of the clown's pocket.  "Aaaaaagh! What's in there?" he screams at night.  No spoilers you will have to watch it to see for yourself.
 
 
One Direction vs Hitler 2012 ******
It is half way through WWII when America is attacked by Japan and Hitler declares war on the U.S. Roosevelt has built a stockpile of cash selling Jeep's to the allies.  He instructs the FBI to build a time machine so that he can visit the future and enlist the help of pop mogul Simon Cowell.  There is a brief montage and Cowell agrees to create a super army with the help of X- Factor judge Louis Walsh.  Chemicals are added to test tubes and there is some electricity.  There are about four or five created , Harry Liam, Niall, Zarkon, James.  They each have unique special powers, Harry can mimic the walk of a crab, seamlessly blending into the background in a beach situation.  Roosevelt takes the supergang back to 1942 and they set off to the Eagles Nest in the One Direction tourbus.  Forget the Avengers! Watch this!
 
 
Moonclub 2012 *
Micheal Jacksons image has been digitally remastered so that he play the lead in this movie about his dream - a nightclub on the moon.  With flying monkeys as waiters and a low gravity dancefloor it was the club to blow your mind.  The entrance fee was $20, 0000 a shot and you can imagine the taxi fare home.  Jackson went bankrupt before he could realise his dream but thanks to the magic of cinema we can see what his warped mind envisaged.  Could it have worked?  "No"  said Proffessor Stephen Hawkins. " The low gravity would stop the alcohol from sinking to the liver, preventing them from getting drunk.  It would be too boring for the likes of Colin Farrel to be in a nightclub sober as a judge.  A childrens softplay area would be more appropriate" said Hawkins." 
 
 
Princess Di and the Special Mixed Kebab 2004 *
Andrew Morton missed out this chapter about the people's princess.  What separates the Royal family from normal humans?  Kebabs.  Yes, you heard.  What would happen if they ate kebabs?  The myth of superiority would evaporate.  Anachary would ensue and Great Britain would become a banana republic.  This was nearly the case in 1982 as I shall elaborate.  Late one evening a heavily pregnant Diana (Sarah Jessica Parker) awakes with terrible cravings.  Earlier that day she drove past a commoner eating some disgraceful fare.  Greasy slices of meat thrown into a flatbread alongside chopped cabbage and various other undiscernable products.  Diana could not get the image from her fevered mind.  What would Charles (Matt le Blanc) say? She orders her private policeman to go fetch her  one  of these awful munstraptions. 30 mins later Diana is tucking greedily into a Special Mixed Kebab with 40 different animal meats when Charles bursts into the room.  "This is a damnable disgrace! It will bring doom onto the House of WIndsor!"  Charles orders Special Branch to remove the sodden mixture and removes himself from the grotesque scene before the tabloid press arrive.  Diana is left unfulfilled weeping and unloved.

"Charles is a bigger scounderal than Heathcliffe"  The Sun
"Now we know the reason behind the anorexia" The Times
"Best for whites and half loads" What Washing Machine

 
 
The Deadly Flip-Flops of Saddam Hussein 2001 ***
Back in 2001 we all believed that Iraq could wipe out the world in 4 minutes if it unleashed its much vaunted WMD's.  Hans Blix (Robert Redford) looked all over the shop for them, no sign.  The U.S military couldn't find em.  The SAS couldn't.  Where were they?  Weapons inspector Buck Seivers (Tom Selleck ) can handle the truth even though it smells dodgy.  The WMD are in the last place anyone would look, Saddam's Flip-Flops.  Can Seivers find the foul fetid footwear before they are smuggled into Iran?

Billy Ray Cyrus in Camelot 1992 *
You could have knocked me down with a feather when I heard they had picked Billy-Ray to play the lead in this romp.  Billy plays himself and during a concert in Texas during a thunderstorm his electric guitar is zapped by lightning.  Some sort of time vortex is created and Billy ends up in Medievel England.  He  befriends  King Arthur and helps him to liven up his court as well as stuffy old Merlin with the magic of line dance.  The Round Table needs all the help it can get as it is soon beseiged by an army of Ewoks and Godzilla.  Billy Ray saves the day and the  King allows him to marry his mother as a reward.  Reasonable drama.
 
 
A Child Called Stink 2005 *
Women just can't read enough about miserable lives.  Angela's Ashes, Child Called IT, Boy Called Starvo, the list is endless.  The more misery, the more popular the book.  Not to be outdone, Glenroy Mathis wrote about his childhood sadfest and it swiftly became a  bestseller in 48 countries, including Afghanistan.  When Afghans think you have had a hard life you are quids in.   The story was snapped up by MGM and the film became a tearjerker classic.  Tom Cruise dons a little woolly hat to play ten year old Glenroy and it goes downhill from there.  His dad (Dustin Hoffman) is a one legged alcoholic deadbeat ex marine.  Along with his psychotic mother and eight sisters they live in six foot square trailer.  Glenroy has no bed and has to sleep inside his dads spare cowboy boot.  For nutrition he is forced to lick the carpet.  One by one his sisters die of Beri-beri and warts.  One night his father sets fire to the trailer for warmth and Glenroys is stuck inside the boot.... 
 
 
The Hairy Mole of Doom 2012 *
Cher Lloyd and an ageing Madonna team up to fight an army of moles in this swashbuckling swathe of sexual superlatives.  Lloyd brings her usual brand of teen 'swagger' and Madonna uses her bony arms to good effect.  The star of the movie is unquestionably the Hairy Mole.  Madge's Gillette Venus has no effect on the Beast although I could not bear to watch as she sprayed it with Lynx deoderant.  Good movie for a Satrurday night in with the wife.


We Kidnapped Yo Momma 2007 *
Eddie Murphy puts on a multitude of latex outfits to play all 52 characters in this laughter free zone.  It's a long time since Murphy made us laugh and judging by this performance we are going to wait a lot longer.  "Did you just do a ass fart?" the kidnapper (Murphy) asks Mike's (Murphy) Momma (Murphy).  "No that was you" says the talking dog (Murphy).  "So bored my arse fell off" said TV Metacritic of the London Standard.  I second that emotion.
 

22/4/12

04/22/2012

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The Man With a Massive Head 1984 **
This was Brad Pitt's first film and one he would like to forget.  Me too.  Anyhow, imagine that when you eat lots, the weight does not got to your gut, hips or thighs.  It goes to your head.  a skinny body but you have a massive fat head.  Waldo Esperanto (Pitt) has a 400 kilogram head.  He is laughed at by cruel children and his wife leaves him when she can no longer see his eyes.  Tina Shimonsky (Raquel Welch) sees beyond the flabby face and pops round every few days with pizza and a dvd.

Giant Beaver Attack!  1975 ***
How big?  "Just how big can a beaver be?"  asked the movie posters at the time of release.  Big enough to swallow a  man whole is the answer.  Sleepy Logfalls Creek is shaken by a number of strange disapearances.  The local Sherrif (Burt Reynolds) is non-plussed and takes to the woods with his posse.  One by one they are picked off by the huge  creature.  This was a surprise hit in 75 but Reynolds turned down over 1,000 U.S dollars to appear in a sequel about an even bigger beaver.
 
 
The Hardest Man on Earth 2006 *
'Absolutely Awful' said Pippa Midleton after watching this low budget Danny Dyer/Vinnie Jones vehicle.  Rick Razor (Dyer) is fighting a turf war with Brian Nails (Jones) and it all hinges on a last man standing street melee at the end of the movie. Here is an excerpt of the dialogue; 
Razor - "I'm gona bite your &&^^%$ nose off you mug!"
Nails - "I'm gona hit you so ^^%$£$* hard, when you wake up your clothes will be back in fashion!"
It's the usual fare from Danny Faaa**ing Dyer.


The Wizard's Sleeve 2008 *****
Frodo (Steve Merchant) and Gandalf (Justin Beiber) explore the deep caverns of the Shire in this prequel to Lord of  The Rings.  No special effects in this one but plenty of action.  We also see some new rings for the first time and lots of dwarves.  Not recommended for the under 18's but a must see for all LOTR fans.

Titanic the Submarine 2012 *
After the success of his first film Titanic the true story, David Cameron takes us back out to sea again.  This time its the biggest Submarine cruise liner ever built by Thompson Holidays. Captain Smith (Danny Dorito) plays fast and loose as he  tries to make  Dover to Berlin in record time.          I wont spoil the plot but expect a bit of romance between decks and a giant octupus. 
 
 
The Man With a Metal Brain 1982 **
So bad it's good.  1935 and Yuri Mzswitzxzxch (Jack Nicholson) comes the attention of the authorities.  He is the most intelligent man on earth and he  is planning on moving to the USA.  Stalin realises that he is a danger to Communism and orders that his brain be encased in an iron tub inside his skull.  From the tub Yuri plots his revenge and manages to escape by building the world's first rocket powered horse.  Years ahead of its nearest rival, Back To The Future.


 

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    I used to write for the News of the World.  I now work as a  freelance comedy writer for BBC3.

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