Princess Di and the Special Mixed Kebab 2004 *
Andrew Morton missed out this chapter about the people's princess.  What separates the Royal family from normal humans?  Kebabs.  Yes, you heard.  What would happen if they ate kebabs?  The myth of superiority would evaporate.  Anachary would ensue and Great Britain would become a banana republic.  This was nearly the case in 1982 as I shall elaborate.  Late one evening a heavily pregnant Diana (Sarah Jessica Parker) awakes with terrible cravings.  Earlier that day she drove past a commoner eating some disgraceful fare.  Greasy slices of meat thrown into a flatbread alongside chopped cabbage and various other undiscernable products.  Diana could not get the image from her fevered mind.  What would Charles (Matt le Blanc) say? She orders her private policeman to go fetch her  one  of these awful munstraptions. 30 mins later Diana is tucking greedily into a Special Mixed Kebab with 40 different animal meats when Charles bursts into the room.  "This is a damnable disgrace! It will bring doom onto the House of WIndsor!"  Charles orders Special Branch to remove the sodden mixture and removes himself from the grotesque scene before the tabloid press arrive.  Diana is left unfulfilled weeping and unloved.

"Charles is a bigger scounderal than Heathcliffe"  The Sun
"Now we know the reason behind the anorexia" The Times
"Best for whites and half loads" What Washing Machine




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    I used to write for the News of the World.  I now work as a  freelance comedy writer for BBC3.

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