The Greatest Movie Ever Made II 2005 *****
Not as good as the first one but still a belta skelta journey into the heart of the Siberian Desert. Hank Marvin (Daniel Craig) and his team of sherpas search for the last challange to man 'the Massive Cave of Minsk'. On route Hank falls in love with a native Eskimo called Susan. She teaches him that not only are there 72 words for snow but there are also 150 words for love. Battling cold hunger and Taliban Raiders the adventurers learn who they are and find answers to questions they had never asked. An epic story that will move more than your heart.
The Apprentice the Movie 2012 *
Much like the TV series, a bunch of dweebs are made to prat about performing ridiculous tasks which bear no resemblance to the real world of business and no more demonstrates their ability to run a large company than this website demonstrates my cooking ability. Sugar ponces about like one of the Krays skinny cousins scaring the hopefulls with his polished diction. Shut your mouf Sugar! We aint buying your movie right! I once took a couple of 6 month old burnt out lawmowers back to Asda and got my money back. That's business acumen you mouthy sod. A real stinker of a film and not worth the £2.50 cinema entrance fee (or whatever it costs these days).
Giant Rats with Baskets for Eyes 1971 *****
"Watch this with the lights off and in 5.1 surround sound and you mess your pants big time!" Said Total Film Critic. Well I did and I was not dissapointed. David Soul plays the heart-throb/hero in this mesmerising miracle of a movie. You will never watch anything scarier than a bunch of giant rats coming at you with their soul-less basket eyes. Soul shaved off his trademark golden locks to play the lead but he still wins the hearts of the ladies as he warbles out a couple of hits whilst saving the town from destruction.
Don't Kill Me I'm Dead 1999 **
You probably never thought you would see Simon le Bon and Norman Wisdom in a romantic comedy about two washed up old has-beens trying to make out with the same girl. Thankfully, you never will as the last 5 copies were incinerated in shed fire. I spoke to somone once who had seen it and he said it was rubbish.
Big Accident 1975 **
In the seventies you could knock out a blockbuster movie for a few grand. As a result there were loads of disaster movies about all manner of mishaps and they contained boatloads of box office A listers. ' Big accident' was the daddy of all disaster movies and had no less than 57 big names. John Wayne, Bob Hope, Norman Bates, they all acted their hearts out for top billing. Robert Mitchum plays bigwig builder Mitch Mclusky. He does not take no for an answer and the only thing he respects is the mighty dollar. He has built the tallest block of flats ever built. In the race to cut custs he has omitted fire escapes from the design. "It is inflammable" he spouts to the waiting press. The words come back to haunt him though, as it is the seventies and 89% of people smoke. A lit butt is carelessly discarded and New Yorks elite have to devise their own means of escape.
Dracula has Hepetitis C 1985 ****
Roger Moore was searching for something to prevent him from becoming typecast as Bond when he found this little beauty. Certainly not two dimensional this Count of castophrophe. Down on his luck when he enters the Bronx the vagabond vampire chooses the wrong victim to snack on. An old tramp. The soap dodger is riddled with the virus and Dracula eventually becomes ill. His teeth fall out and he becomes the worst of all things, an immortal bum. He can't even claim welfare as the authorities won't accept his date of birth (4/02/1478). This film is certainly the thinking man's Philedelphia.
Manbat 2005 *
A Val Kilmer disaster. A bit like Batman but not as funny.
Tom Jones vs the Robots from Jupiter 1998 *** (Winner of the Bronze Turnip Award)
Once rated as Scotland's greatest ever singer the Scotch Foghorn used to sing about pussycats and unusual things. The hits dried up but the old panty magnet found alternative revenue in the movie industry. Ridley Scott would not take no for an answer and signed Jones up without audition for his sc-fi romp. Proffesor Hershal (Jones) is called upon to defeat the magnetic megalatrons from another world. Unfortunately their technology is far superior to ours and we are left on a sticky wicket. Hershal is trapped by 20 bots armed to the teeth and has moments to live. He bellows out a last song of defiance only to discover that the mechanical maruaders are allergic to bass. He escapes and develops an amplifier which booms his baratone around the earth and sends the robotic renegades to kingdom come.
Nitro-Arse 3d 2011 ****
It is the 45th century and the earth is inhabited by a band of humans and a human/bear hybrid. They compete for survival but the humans have an ace up their sleeves, Tim Mothbattt (Vin Diesel). Not only does he work out but he is master of machinery. His girlfreind is kidnapped by the bear king Grrrrrner (Robert Downer Jnr) and Tim must get to Bear Island before they eat her. He has 60 minutes to travel 40 miles. He inserts a Nitro propelled gadget into his buttocks and presses the red button... The rest is movie history.
Rammed 2002 ***
Hold on your knitted scarves as Vin Diesel takes a car with a fuel injection system that would make Apollo 9 weep and drives it through various city locations. Racing against local hoodlums to raise the money to save a children’s hospice which is due to be demolished by an evil property tycoon and drug baron. There are various close shaves with plate glass movers and level crossings and there is also a sneaking underneath a moving lorry scene for the car chase enthusiast. All cars explode upon contact with a stationary surface and the police car write-offs add up to about 30 per chase.
Post Box 2003 **
Charlie Sheen shows his acting abilities from inside a post box for the entire film in this Kafka-esque bizzario. Matt Perricino, (Sheen) wakes up inside a Royal Mail post box without any idea how he has got there. He receives a number of sinister phone calls advising that there is bomb inside the box with him and it will explode if he attempts to escape. It is a race against time for him as the mailbox fills up with assorted post and suffocation approaches.
Distraction 2008 *
Lewis Crabberger (John Travolta) plays an obsessive compulsive FBI agent with an amphetamine addiction in a confusing shambles of a movie. Filmed from the perspective of a speed freak the plot is often hard to follow and changes direction frequently. The film begins with a bomb alert at a children’s playground. This is merely a distraction for a bank heist which is itself a distraction for a nuclear bomb theft. This is also a distraction for the ultimate aim of the terrorists which is to kidnap the President of the United States of America.
Cats with Human Fingers 1981 *
This video nasty was so bad, Mary Whitehouse was hospitalised for 8 days after watching it. Charles Bronson turned down the role and Patrick Swayze took up the chalice. Although the scene where he eats his own brain was filmed with up to date plasticine technology, Swayze was awarded a Monster Oscar by Ultimate Horror Magazine. The movie explores the terrifying prospect of cats that grow human fingers after becoming infected with the humongo virus. Colt Bennet (Swayze) unkowingly brings the virus back to the U.S on the bottom of one of his trainers following an African jungle safari.
Arm and Legge 1985 *
David Arm and Gino Legge take on all manner of criminality in this fast paced slapstick crime drama. Arm is prepared to break all the rules to get his man, whilst Legge sticks to the rules like unibond. The mixture works and the man to man banter is second only to that displayed by Doug McClure and Roger Moore in the film The Land That Time Forgot. Kenneth Williams plays a particularly nasty English villain by the name of Lord Hubert.
Bee Bop Disco Cats 1972 0 stars
Instantly forgettable, regrettable, cartoon adaptation of the Henrick Ibsen play ‘A Doll’s House’. The movie cost £54,000 to make and actually lost 4.5 million at the U.S box office. The Director, Merv Windberg was actually chased out of town with pitchforks from the Frankenstein film set, by Warner Bros executives. He was last known to be living in Dorset and frequently uploads videos of his neighbour’s cats to You Tube.
Cameron 2012 – *
Fresh on the back of the success of Thatcher, the makers of Downton Abbey decided that it would be lucrative to revise and glorify Prime Minister David Cameron. The story begins with redundant mineworker’s urchin Cameron, playing with fishes eyeballs as replacement marbles in a East End backstreet. His soot covered poverty stricken dial swells to his current pug faced proportions as he tricks and smarms his chums out of their pocket money. His meteoric rise to millionaire status is charmless and without any merit whatsoever. Censors asked for a 10 minute cut to allow for an 18 classification. The cut was a scene during which Cameron relentlessly beats his stable boy with a riding boot so hard that his jaw flies off. Cameron has refused to comment on the film but it is believed that he financed the production by stopping pensioners winter fuel allowance.
They Call me Shovel Face- Mel Gibson 2008 ****
John Graham (Gibson) is retired cop on the run after being wrongly accused of killing his wife and a pizza delivery guy. The FBI is hot on his tail, but Graham has a major problem, his face is shaped like a shovel. Whenever he steps outside he is immediately identified. The twist is, his wifes killer is the only scientist in the world with the antidote to his affliction, Spades Syndrome. Gibson gives the performance of his life in this high octane thriller which culminates in a camel chase down the Grand Canyon.
Houses With Ceilings – Meryl Streep + Bob Hoskins 1993 ***
Voted number 1 tearjerker ever by radio one listeners 1997. Larry Sturton (Hoskins) befriends serial killer Mary Allerdice (Streep) whilst she is serving life in Longville Penitentiary. Sturton is a chiropodist and initially visits Allerdice to treat a fungal nail infection and ingrowing toenail. The pair find they have a mutual interest in rare bats. Sturton falls for Allerdice and starts studying for his law degree. He graduates 5 years later and succeeds in overturning Allerdices conviction on a technicality. Once freed they tour the American mid-west looking for previously un-recorded species of bats. Some three and half hours into the movie Allerdice is killed as she trips and falls into a chasm.
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